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3 Years Now

That was one big nice room. Felt so cozy with the white and yellow light interior. Looked like a ballroom in a fairly size.

Foods were everywhere. Desserts were served non stop. Drinks, candies, snacks, all you need to chew for a party or gathering, were there.

People were talking to each other. Everyone must be so happy though there was no any voice I could hear. But judging from how I felt, men, women, everyone were all happy because of either the nice room, tasty foods, or the person they were talking to.

And you were there. As usual. It was not that I could hear what you said or how you looked, but I was so sure that you were so happy yourself. Your smile and typical loud voice were there when you talked to your friend, felt so loud. What was the topic this time? Politics, China, family, food? I know you had lots in mind to keep the chat interesting. You were the best at that.

*

Now you sat at that couch. Staring at the thing in front of you. I didn’t know what that was. From the place I sat, I could only see your right side. You had things in your mind that kept you smile.

I was there, sitting in a bench, with my other four in a row. I didn’t know if they noticed that you were there. I knew you were. You said nothing. You were just there. The light around you said it loud that you were fine, you were happy. That you’d like us to know that you were doing good, maybe that’s what you wanted to say.

*

I hadn’t got a chance to talk to you, too bad. But even so, I was happy to see you last night. I also have lots of thing to share…

 

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Ulang Kembali

Tadi pagi, tiba-tiba saya terpikirkan beberapa momen seru yang saya alami semasa hidup. Di antaranya: waktu travelling bersama teman-teman ke Bali, waktu kuliah di Surabaya, jalan-jalan dengan keponakan di Banjarmasin, hingga keriaan saat pertama kali menginjakkan kaki di bandara Narita-Jepang yang bahkan sudah berlalu lima tahun lalu.

Memikirkan peristiwa menyenangkan memang bisa bikin senang. Namun, kalau diturutin terus, senang-nya lama-lama malah bikin sedih.

Sedih karena sekarang saya ada di rumah, bukan di Bali. Sedih karena saya sudah di fase pekerja, tidak lagi mahasiswa yang perlu atau bisa lembur dan haha-hihi atau mampir ke McD jam 3 pagi pasca belajar ngebut semalam dengan teman-teman di Surabaya. Sedih karena keponakan sedang berkumpul dengan adik-adiknya di lain kota, bukan sedang liburan ke kota saya. Sedih karena dinginnya Jepang tidak bisa saya gantikan dengan pekatnya panas di kota Pontianak.

Tapi, kalau terus berhenti di tangga ‘ingin mengulang kembali’, kok rasanya kurang bijak juga ya?

Apalagi kalau ingat kata-kata orang pintar yang bilang life must go on, atau yang berlalu biarlah berlalu, atau you can’t always hang on your past because your life is the present. 

Di akhir perenungan saya tadi pagi, sebenarnya yang paling pengen saya ulang adalah, apa lagi, kalau bukan kebersamaan bersama si Papa. Sayangnya, sama halnya dengan serbuan ke McD atau jejak kaki di Jepang, kesempatan bersama Papa juga nggak bisa diulang kembali berapapun pengennya saya. (Termasuk membuang jauh-jauh keinginan untuk ‘mengeluarkan’ Papa dari fotonya. Hehe.)

Kalau sudah begitu, lebih baik kita berdoa saja supaya diberikan memori dengan kapasitas tinggi supaya kenangan indah apapun bisa tersimpan rapi di ingatan, dan dimainkan ulang dengan jelas kapanpun kita inginkan.

Ya, seperti Mind Palace-nya Sherlock.

It’s never there, but you know it’s there. 

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Thanks for the invention of the camera that has kept all the memories within the pictures so well. 

Oh yah, menulis juga bermanfaat untuk buang kangen. =) 

 

My First Happy Father’s Day

Friends on Facebook and Path post their pictures with their fathers today, wishing their beloved Daddys a “Happy Father’s Day”.

Now, let me write mine.

**

Dear Pak Wongso,

Sorry that I have never said this to you my whole life.
So, let me start this note by wishing you “Happy Father’s Day”.
*hug

Your leaving last week was very surprising.
Mom, brothers, family, friends all were surprised.
That Sunday morning, you still ordered a meat from the butcher near our house, to be cooked on Monday.
This we knew from the old ‘a cek’ who was very shocked to hear the news about you last week.
I bet you’d planned to cook us a pot of your most favorite pork soup to welcome me and Mom who just arrived at home from Jakarta on Sunday night.
Ah, still, you are the best chef I know!

Losing you this way is very upsetting.
It’s not that I feel upset with you.
Instead I feel upset with myself.
Too much good things that I haven’t given and told you.
I wish for many “I wish”.
But, I know that you will have listened to my prayers everyday.
Hopefully you are happy listening to all the good and funny things I’ve told you these few days.

Some people keep on asking us whether there is this ‘appearance’ from you.
I watched many horror movies so I wish you’ll understand that I also visualized something creepy.
But, they have no idea how I wish to see you’re sitting at your favorite chair again,
Turning on the Chinese TV channels at its highest volume,
Or yelling at me because you didn’t consider it as ‘yelling’ as your hearing ability had significantly decreased within this past year,
And, seeing you waving your hands to me from through door when I was driving the car away.
I miss the last one the most.

However, I know that you love us very much so you won’t let that ‘creepy’ things happen.
I told mom that you will fight all ‘the bad things’ that try to bother us. =)
Besides, I don’t believe in such things though.
Thus, I always visualize your presence myself.
It works so far.
Yes, I do feel frightened, but it only last for a few seconds.
I feel happier though to still can feel you at home.

Dear Pak Wongso,

Our home is very quiet since your leaving,
Wherever you are now,
I hope that you are happy with your present life.
I know that you will because you have many good friends there.
You won’t feel lonely because you have met many friends who have gone earlier, those whom you can talk about politics or China or your young life to, the topic that you love the most.

Dear Pak Wongso,

Thanks for being the greatest dad for us all.
You have to know of how proud we are for having you as our dad.
With all journey and days that we have spent together,
You will always stay in our heart.

Oh,

One more thing.

Now I know why I love writing,
Beside it’s mom’s hobby,
It is also yours.
I found that you wrote many notes on the books or papers.
You even wrote down the countries that Jokowi will visit when he becomes a president,
I think you read that from the newspaper and had it written as a reminder.
This is so funny of you.

Happy Father’s Day, Papa.

We love you.
Take a good care of yourself.
You always have us wherever you are right now.

=)

Papa

Love,

Me.